I used to be fearful of losing a loved one. What I feared most was my reaction to that loss. Being an emotionally tribal person, relationships are important to me. Sometimes I have taken them for granted. Sometimes I have nurtured them too little. Ultimately, I care very deeply whether that love is expressed verbally, physically, or not.
I have realized that my undefined Spleen holds on to things, including relationships, for longer than I should. I didn’t know how to say goodbye because I didn’t know how to let go while seeing the good in it.
When my cat Venice died two years ago, I broke down. It took me a while to process her death and recover so that I could continue to live. [You can read the blog from that time HERE.]
Because I didn’t handle it so well, I had been afraid of facing more death. I feared I wouldn’t know how to live.
Yet with losing Donna, one of my closest friends (and longest friend of over 30 years), I had to face that fear. Experiencing the loss of a human life was different. It felt so hard, so devastating, and so real.
I felt a deep sadness for what would never be in this life. I felt pain for the loss of a beautiful soul whose heart gave more than most without any hesitation. I felt anger for the family left behind, including two little girls. I felt remorse for not doing more, making more efforts, and being there for her.
I cried for at least a week. The lessons I learned were so profound to my evolution, and my healing. My heart was cracked wide open. I began to truly feel my emotional energy like never before. There was NO stopping the waves of emotions that burst from me. There was NO stopping the tears that flowed freely and passionately.
It was a great awakening moment of realizing what it feels like to move from living in my Head/Ajna definition into my emotional Solar Plexus/Will definition.
I have lived so much of my life from the Head/Ajna energies. Yet my decision making abilities reside in the other definition. So for all the times I “thought” I was emotional, I wasn’t.
Until Donna’s passing.
If I was sad, my emotions spilled down my face. Even though I still taught classes and held private coaching sessions, during that week of sorrow, I continued to feel. The difference being that I didn’t hold back my emotions. I let them come out. I allowed myself to FEEL my feelings and cry. Even in front of my students and clients.
It felt very freeing to just BE myself. To express myself. To show others what is possible and what is okay.
What helped me to heal from Donna’s loss stemmed from the rabbit holes I fell down. I found new insights to seeing and truly understanding our immortal souls living in this temporary human form. I began to remember the innate truths that were hidden from me since entering this physical body.
It allowed me to realize that every single experience is something I chose to experience so that I could learn from it. We tend to believe that an experience is good or bad, rather than it just is what it is. However you choose to see the experience, in its simple form, it serves as the teacher.
I chose to learn about myself through losing loved ones at this point in my life. Maybe it was so I could awaken myself even more than before. Perhaps it was to repay karma. Maybe I had a soul contract with Donna and that was the agreed upon termination. It is also possible that it wasn’t really my lesson, but Donna’s. I may not know the truth until I am ready to receive it. That may not be in this life, but until after I return to my own spiritual form that I am flooded with all of my immortal knowledge.
Until then, I live on. I live to forgive - myself most importantly - and everyone else. I am here to love unconditionally. To live with compassion and to express my knowledge so I can guide others to do the same.
We live in this temporary body to experience new parts of our self. We learn who we are so we can evolve to higher levels of consciousness. The goal is to reunite with all spiritual beings. We are one.
Because I could see this more radiantly than ever before, I was more evolved when the body of Bailey, my sweet cat of nearly 17.5 years, began to fail.
I should have seen the signs before I did, but I didn’t. His body began to fail him quite rapidly just one month after Donna passed. I could see him ready to depart, and I thought I was ready.
For a while, I was sad that he was dying. I didn’t want to believe it so I tried to push those emotions down. The more I became accepting of him going, the more I began to tell him that it was okay that he could “go”.
The longer he hung on, the more irritated I became. Feeling emotions is truly like riding a roller coaster that you’re not aware you are on. You just can’t feel them until you allow them. You just can’t see them until you look for them, ask to understand what you’re feeling, or someone else points them out.
The moment I realized I was feeling irritated is the moment I stopped to ask why. I then understood that I was ready for him to go and he hadn’t. In that moment, I told myself “Who am I to tell him when it is his time to go? How dare I try to rush his last moments in this body!”
I felt terrible. He has free will just as you and I do. At no point was it okay for me to think that his dying had anything to do with me. I then went upstairs and spent as much time as I could with him. I loved him. I cleaned up after him. All because it was my choice. I no longer saw his helpless body as a burden. I chose to see him as the loving cat who had always supported me. I realized it was my time to nurture and support him how he wanted.
I had a friend tell me the day before he died that cats hide when they die, that they want to be alone when they go. I had no idea about that, but it shed light on me wanting to be with Bailey when he went. I realized I failed to really think again about what Bailey wanted.
Each final moment I spent with Bailey, I noticed the restlessness he felt. He would let me pet him and love him and then he would try to get up - to get away. Because I had this new understanding, I told him, “It’s okay. I will leave.” And I would.
This new information helped me set myself free - from the guilt I still held onto when Venice died. She died alone, because we had gone out of town. I always felt I hadn’t been there for her. I now knew that’s how she wanted to go. It had nothing to do with me. Bailey helped me to now forgive myself.
I am so grateful for Bailey. I am grateful for the experiences he gave me and the ones we signed up to have together for over 17 years. He was there for me prior to either of my marriages. He was there prior to all three of my children being born. He was one of my greatest loves.
Bailey taught me so much in his final weeks of life. It is why I know he hung on longer than “he should”. I still had more to learn; he still had more to teach me.
I still feel twinges of sadness. Tears still flow as I write this. There are so many moments I expect to see him when I enter my bedroom. I still look for him. I still talk to him.
It’s hard to let a loved one go… I get this. I understand this…
Yet I think I’ve grown enough to now see how.
The blessings that come through death and from death are abundant, especially when we are open to seeing them.
I am beyond grateful for these experiences.
Thank you Donna. Thank you Bailey. I love you both infinitely and always. I look forward to having more adventures with you in a different form, and a different life.
Until we meet again.
With love + gratitude,