I used to be fearful of losing a loved one. What I feared most was my reaction to that loss. Being an emotionally tribal person, relationships are important to me. Sometimes I have taken them for granted. Sometimes I have nurtured them too little. Ultimately, I care very deeply whether that love is expressed verbally, physically, or not.
I have realized that my undefined Spleen holds on to things, including relationships, for longer than I should. I didn’t know how to say goodbye because I didn’t know how to let go while seeing the good in it.
When my cat Venice died two years ago, I broke down. It took me a while to process her death and recover so that I could continue to live. [You can read the blog from that time HERE.]
Because I didn’t handle it so well, I had been afraid of facing more death. I feared I wouldn’t know how to live.
Yet with losing Donna, one of my closest friends (and longest friend of over 30 years), I had to face that fear. Experiencing the loss of a human life was different. It felt so hard, so devastating, and so real.
I felt a deep sadness for what would never be in this life. I felt pain for the loss of a beautiful soul whose heart gave more than most without any hesitation. I felt anger for the family left behind, including two little girls. I felt remorse for not doing more, making more efforts, and being there for her.
I cried for at least a week. The lessons I learned were so profound to my evolution, and my healing. My heart was cracked wide open. I began to truly feel my emotional energy like never before. There was NO stopping the waves of emotions that burst from me. There was NO stopping the tears that flowed freely and passionately.